Productive lost time

October 27, 2013 12:00 AM

Very rough day today. Last night I lost time. Went deep into regression and somehow wrote almost 2000 words without remembering doing so. I came back to myself in the midst of a panic attack, possibly because my time to medicate came right in the middle of the time I lost. I slept deeply after and woke up having learned more. Knowing how that story ends and in a sense all would be well once I got through the horror of the telling.

Then a couple hours later. I had a total meltdown on the phone. I had called to talk about my discovery, but wound up breaking down again. Then, when I thought I had myself under control, I completely lost it again, crying hysterically.

My therapist wasn’t kidding. It’s hard to walk in two worlds. But there’s the world I need to walk right now, to become myself. To learn and be whole. And then there’s the world I’ve walked for the past twenty years. A world of financial demands and medical insurance and FML, and I don’t know how I’ll be able to recognize the two long enough to do what I must. I have not yet learned to control when things appear to me without putting up the walls I am working so hard to pull down. I can live like this, but I certainly can’t work like this. Nor can I function without medication and the ability to access the treatment I need. I can’t solve this now. I must try to sleep.

Tonight I sat before IN-TI, the representation of fire. I sought no answers. I focused on the free exchange of energy between my conscious self and that aspect of myself represented by the Mesa. I was seeking a give and take. Working to create a safe zone to continue my journey. I let myself go and in that space I distinctly heard one sad phrase. It was full of love, compassion, and empathy. As if Some entity heard my struggle and in a female voice said,

“Oh, Honey.” That was all just two sad words. A flurry of images flew by unrecognized. I made no effort to hold onto them.

I simply continued to breathe light into the mesa and attempted to draw light back from it. I believe there was some success. Time will tell.